Oakland to Albuquerque
Here we goooo.
I am on a plane flying to Albuquerque. The past few weeks have been quite the ordeal of planning, prepping, scrambling, and panicking in preparation for this hike but it’s happening now.
I quit my job, found a subletter, packed up all my stuff, and I am now finally heading to New Mexico. The plan is to spend a few days in ABQ with Jordan and Naomi checking out the city and doing last minute prep for the Hayduke Trail.
2020 was a such a interminably long shitshow. It was one of the hardest years I’ve ever had, mentally, emotionally, and I’m glad it’s over. Still, quitting my job and leaving for 2+ months to hike an incredibly difficult trail is intimidating. As much as I struggled with the past year, there was some comfort in it, some level of stability I’m leaving. For a while, anyway.
I have to be honest, I’m not entirely excited for the Hayduke. Partly it’s the having to give up my job as an animal activist. I’ve had an immense feeling of guilt, stopping trying to help animals to focus on this very selfish activity. There’s so much more to do for them, always. But I haven’t really been the best advocate for the past few months with my ever deteriorating mental state so maybe it’s for the best that I take a step back and refresh.
I’m also worried about the difficulty of the hike and having to spend so much time with someone else.
The Hayduke is without a doubt going to be hardest hike I’ve ever done. I’ve done a few routes now but they’ve all been fairly short by comparison and definitely not as prolongedly difficult as the Hayduke. I know that a lot of others have hiked this before (including some real nerds) but still, the worry is there.
Spending so much time hiking with someone else is also concerning. I’ve hiked with others before but only on shorter trails/routes. Jordan and I also have beautiful chemistry as friends but we are also both emotional, stubborn, prone to fits of anger and depression. We’ll probably have bad moments but hopefully not too many, not too often.
Maybe the worst part is how much I’m going to miss Kay. We’ve had some hard times over the past year. Covid forced us together in a way I don’t think either of us expected. We almost didn’t make it at the start of the year. We almost went our separate ways when our lease was up but we decided to keep living together and continue building a life together. It’s been very difficult at times. And by which I mean I’VE been very difficult. Anxiety and depression, days spent in bed too paralyzed by intrusive thoughts to get up, lashing out at her only because of her proximity. It’s been hard. But things have gotten better this year. So much better. The past few months have largely been fully of happiness and joy, in the most grossly saccharine way possible. There have so many fun, goofy, tender moments between us, it’s hard to put to words without getting sappy.
Our new place feels open and brighter, literally and metaphorically. There’s been some conflicts setting it up (minimalist v not minimilist) but it’s looking and feeling like our home. And it’s hard to leave that, if only for two months.
It is only two months though. Such a short time in the grand scheme of things. Plus it’s too late to change anything anyway.
I’m on a plane in the air now. We’ve just flown over the Sierra and it looks so immense and majestic, draped on snow. The sight of it below does fill me with some kind of excitement, a feeling I haven’t felt in a while. The world is so big and so beautiful and I am on my way to see a little more of it.
Plants Outside 